For Once
by Love Alchemist
Summary: Padmé. Former Queen, Senator and wife. What made her stop fighting in the end? For such a willful woman, with children to live for, she folded surprisingly easy. Why?


Disclaimer: Star Wars isn't mine, and will never be. I'm just horsing around.  
Spoilers: Itsy-bitsy ones if you haven't seen RotS, but not really.

A/N: Just a short, introspective piece from Padmé's point of view. I think you will get it when you read. This one is SHORT, peoples. I have several short ficlets like these in the same style in other fandoms, and they never turn out to be long. Just so you don't expect anything more.

This one came around from my various thoughts to _why_ for heaven's sake Padmé turned into such a sweet, soft _girl_ in ep. III. So, here's my take on it.

* * *

For once, I was selfish. 

More selfish than we were when we bound our lives together, at any rate.

Anakin.

Would you laugh at me and turn away, if you could? We both wanted more happiness than the universe wanted to divulge us, I think. We created a family when there was war, ignored all else to the exclusion of ourselves. I think that was selfish enough for a lifetime.

Did that stop us, me, from wanting more?

I wanted to give you something. You already had my love, my life, so what was left? I gave what I could, and while you were so surprised at first, then you glowed more brightly than I've ever seen you. Your smile was radiant, if tinged with disbelief.

Children.

In a war, from a union that should not have come to be from everyone else's point of view. Did we care? I wanted things to be simpler than they were, so I continued to be selfish. My faults were many there in the end, weren't they? I think you wanted the same, so we both entered that bubble of happiness, sweet ignorance, and a false sense of security.

We tried so hard.

Did you miss the spitfire I had been earlier? My unbending devotion to the people, my strong opinions? I can't say I didn't, and I think you missed that too. But for our bubble's sake, you didn't call me on it.

Was that part of what made you protect me so fiercely? That I suddenly seemed too weak to do so myself? I hope not. There may have been a prophesy, but everybody involved shaped what would happen with our actions. And while you chose, I and Obi-Wan held definite key points to push to towards that choice.

When I first met you, you were so bright, if a bit dirty.

_"Are you an angel?"_

_"You're a funny little boy."_

That brightness and brilliance only grew, even if it was tinged with darkness. But doesn't light that bright, with a bit of support and help, eclipse any darkness? But this isn't really about then, or even a few months back. It's about now, what just happened.

For once, I was a selfish coward.

Your anger scared me in its intensity, and as it turned to me, I knew I couldn't help you on the path you had chosen. But that was always part of it, wasn't it? You always thought you had to be strong enough to do everything yourself. I liked that, since I saw myself in you.

If we had helped each other a little more, maybe this wouldn't have gone for far? You didn't kill me, Anakin. Not directly anyway. You were definitely a part of it, and had you not done it, I would have been alive, but part of it was all me.

All me, and my selfish cowardice.

I had children to care for, children we had put into this world together, but I did not want to face them without you. I had failed, and now I was scared. I knew I was strong enough to rise above it. I almost did when I saw our wonderful babies. Luke. Leia. Don't hate your parents. But apparently I had walked so far on the easier path, that I ignored the fierce feeling of pride and protectiveness that surged within me when I saw you.

I hope you can forgive your mother. It is not an excuse, I know, but it is all I have to give.

Our love, Anakin, was true. But I think we both clung to it like little children, not wanting to let go of a favorite toy. For being older and supposedly more grown-up than you (of course, a few years isn't that much), I was surprisingly... maybe more like willfully, blind.

So I gave up my life, my babies, because I was scared. Because I gave into my selfish cowardice. I hope you can forgive.

And Anakin.

I know you always think you have to do everything alone, and now when you think you have nothing left to go back for... I want to kill that shriveled up corpse myself! Anyway... when your children come for you, as I am sure they will, accept their help. My babies... your angels.

For once, I was a selfish coward who chose the easy way out. I wish I hadn't been and stayed alive instead.


End file.
